From the time you go on your first date until the day you say “I do,” dating someone is full of adventures that come in the form of “firsts.” The first kiss, first argument, and the first “I love you”  to name a few. In fact there are so many firsts, that couples often find themselves longing for these same butterfly tingling effects after they become husband and wife.

One of the first things my mother told me the day after I got married was: “Well, you all aren’t going on your honeymoon until June, so at least you have that to look forward to.” I remember thinking: Don’t we have the rest of our lives to look forward to? And while it didn’t make sense to me when she said it, it started to become clear this past Valentine’s Day.

My husband works with high school “at-risk” students, and I work with students on the University level. All this teaching, lesson planning, and shedding of daily work baggage hardly sets the stage for the types of dating surprises one feels when they first enter into a serious relationship. He still brings home the occasional flower and every now and then we find ourselves laughing and slow dancing in our living room, but I must admit that part of me missed the butterfly tingling I felt whenever we were dating. Lovers everywhere were making plans for their special valentine and so far we had planned to go see Friday the 13th and hang out with the same married couples we hung out with every weekend. I felt like we were in a slump, well, until he called me while driving home. “Pack your things!” He sounded so excited. “Why am I packing my things?” My incessant questioning has always been both a gift and a curse. “I’ve booked a hotel room in the Outer Banks. So pack your things, baby, we’re headed out of town.” Neither one of us had been to the Outer Banks so part of me was excited…but unfortunately the other part of me was overly rational: “Have we budgeted for this trip?” There I was, a huge lump of irony. Despite my hesitation, we ended up having a wonderful time. Instead of dancing to cable music channels in our living room we danced to Coltrane and Kenny G in the ball room of our hotel, and awakened each morning to the roar of the ocean. So far it has been one of the greatest weekends we’ve shared together.

I had longed for the kinds of surprises and romance we had when we were both dating and single, but when I got it, I slipped back into my married self and started thinking about money. When you’re married, it’s true that everything changes. How can it stay the same? You are combining everything about your life with that of another person. There are logistics that have the tendency to sweep the romance right out, one of them being money. “I have it under control, let’s go!” And at that moment an idea hit me like a hammer: The fun, romance, and butterfly tingling can only stop if you let it. We are so clouded with work, money, family obligations, community organizations, preserving friendships, maintaining individuality, and children (although at the moment my husband and I have none) that we forget to be a couple. So now, when I think about our future adventures, I know that they will involve children, family vacations, and anniversaries—provided we both remember why we fell in love with one another in the first place, and that there’s nothing more exciting than being able to experience life with someone who is crazy for you, about you, and in love with you, as a friend and as a partner, in spite of yourself.